I remember a mother sitting across from me last spring, tears in her eyes. She’d just had a fight with her thirteen-year-old daughter. “Why are you talking about real life stuff?” she asked me. “Why do you have to be so by-the-book?” I told her the same thing I’ll tell you now: it’s not about being by-the-book. It’s about listening to your daughter’s feelings. Your daughter is telling you, “Mom, I don’t feel like I have any control over my own life.” And you’re saying, “Well, why don’t you just take control then?”
That gap—between what our kids feel and what we hear—is where most of the struggle lives. After thirty years in kindergarten, I’ve seen hundreds of families get stuck there. So today I want to share a few resources and ideas that have helped the parents in my school shift that conversation.
Books That Help You Listen, Not Fix
When a child says “I have no control,” the last thing they need is a solution. They need to feel heard. These three books are the ones I lend out most often from my office shelf:
- “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. The title says it all. It gives you actual scripts for those heated moments.
- “The Whole-Brain Child” by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. It explains why your child’s meltdown isn’t manipulation—it’s wiring. That knowledge alone changes your tone.
- “Untangled” by Lisa Damour. Perfect for parents of girls entering the teenage years. It helps you see the difference between normal struggle and real danger.
You don’t have to read them cover to cover. Keep one on your nightstand and read a chapter when you’re stuck.
A Simple Activity: The “Control Pie”
One of the most practical tools I’ve used with families is something I call the Control Pie. Grab a piece of paper and draw a big circle. Ask your child: “What parts of your life do you feel in charge of?” Then let them fill in the slices.
Most kids will draw tiny slivers for “homework” or “chores” and huge slices for “screen time” or “friends.” That’s normal. The point isn’t to judge the pie—it’s to start the conversation. Then you ask, “What’s one small slice you’d like to have more control over?” Maybe it’s choosing what’s for dinner on Fridays. Maybe it’s picking their own bedtime book. Let them pick one thing. Then you actually hand over that control. It’s not about being permissive—it’s about proving you heard them.
The Three Types of Learning (And Why They Matter)
I often go home and draw a diagram for myself. Three types of learning, right? There’s learning from books, learning from people, and learning from life. When a child feels stuck, it’s usually because they’re only doing the first kind—or only the second. They’re on stage, juggling way too many things, and they can’t knock them all down.
So I ask them: “How many people are you competing against? How many do you have to outshine?” The answer is always “too many.” That’s when I tell them: you don’t need to beat everyone. You need to climb higher so there are fewer people competing with you. That probability goes up. Stop talking about whether it’s fair or not—life isn’t fair, but you can still move up.
And how do you climb? By broadening your perspective. That means reading widely, talking to people from different backgrounds, trying new activities. It means learning from all three types, not just the one that gets graded.
One More Thing: Keep Learning
After a talk like this, a parent once asked me, “So what’s the biggest takeaway?” I said: being able to shift your mindset. Having a broader perspective matters so much. And you’ve got to keep learning—that’s non-negotiable.
That goes for you, too, Mom and Dad. You don’t stop learning just because you’re the adult. Read that book. Try that activity. Ask your child what they need instead of telling them what they should do. You might be surprised by what you hear.
You can also listen to this short talk at the end of the post—sometimes hearing the words out loud makes all the difference.
📺 Watch the full talk on YouTube: https://youtu.be/B4NJf1uptt4