I remember one parent told me, with a sigh, "If I could just do everything perfectly, my kid would be fine." She was exhausted, trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect teacher, the perfect everything. But as we talked, she realized something important: even when we want to do it all, we need a little push ourselves. That's when the idea of encouragement—not just praise—started to click.
What I Learned From a Kindergarten Principal
At a parent meeting, our principal shared a story that stuck with me. She said, "If you handle it yourself, if it's all in your hands—you'd be a perfect mom." But then she asked, "How does that feel?" Honestly, it feels heavy. We want to do it all, but when we try to go it alone, we lose steam. That's because we need encouragement too—not just a pat on the back, but something that carries us forward.
She explained that praise is often about outcomes, like saying "You're so smart." But encouragement is different. It's more like, "You worked really hard on that puzzle—look how you kept trying!" It's not about being perfect; it's about the effort and the heart behind it.
The Problem With Labels Like 'Little Genius'
We all do it. We call our kids "little genius" or "class brain" when they do something impressive. But the principal pointed out that these labels focus on the result, not the process. When we say "You're so smart," kids learn to value being smart over trying hard. They might even avoid challenges because they fear losing that label.
Instead, she suggested we use words that encourage effort. Think about it: if you tell your child, "You really stuck with that building block tower, even when it fell down," they learn that persistence matters. That's a skill they'll use for life, not just in preschool.
How to Shift From Praise to Encouragement
So, how do we make this change? Here are some simple swaps:
- Instead of: "You're so smart!" Try: "You figured that out all by yourself—how did you do it?"
- Instead of: "You're a natural artist!" Try: "I love how you mixed those colors—you experimented a lot."
- Instead of: "You're a little genius!" Try: "You didn't give up when it got hard—that's awesome."
It feels awkward at first, I know. But once you get used to it, you'll see your child light up in a different way. They're not just looking for your approval; they're learning to appreciate their own effort.
You Need Encouragement Too
Here's the thing: as parents, we need the same grace. We can't be "perfect moms" all the time, and that's okay. Instead of telling ourselves, "You should do it all alone," let's say, "You're doing your best, and that's enough." Give yourself a little encouragement, just like you would your child.
I've started doing this in my own life. When I make a mistake, I take a deep breath and remind myself, "You're learning, just like your preschooler." It's a small shift, but it makes a big difference in how I show up.
A Final Thought on Growing Together
At the end of that meeting, the principal smiled and said, "A little encouragement, and you'll feel like you can handle anything." That's true for our kids—and for us. So let's drop the labels, ditch the perfectionism, and focus on the effort. Because when we do, we're not just raising confident kids; we're raising resilient humans. And that's a win for everyone.