I remember a parent once asked me, almost in frustration, “Why is it that the messy stuff I’ve been through is exactly what makes me want to keep challenging myself?” She was exhausted, but she wasn’t giving up. And that got me thinking about a myth I hear all the time: that good parenting means having the right answers. It doesn’t. After thirty years in kindergarten, I can tell you that the parents who struggle least are the ones who ask the most. Let me explain.
The Myth: You Need to Be the Expert
Many parents believe they should know what to do. If their child throws a tantrum or refuses to share, they think, “I should handle this. I should have the solution.” But that pressure only makes things worse. You end up feeling guilty, defensive, or stuck.
The truth? You don’t need to be the expert. You need to be the learner. That same parent told me she was willing to dive right in, no matter what her kid threw at her. Why? Because she was willing to learn from books, to study, to figure it out. That’s the mindset that works.
The Alternative: Keep Asking, Keep Improving
When I started teaching, we didn’t have all the support systems you have now. We had to go find answers in books ourselves. Now there’s so much more help available. Just today, for one family’s child, I was using those resources. And I’ll chat with you more in a bit.
Here’s what I’ve learned: every time a child talks to me, I pick up on what they’re showing me. Then I think it over. What points from my conversation with this parent can I take away? When you walk out of here today, your path forward — right? — history’s been exchanged with me. So wherever that girl was coming from, she told me, and I said, “Alright, I need to mull this over.”
That tension between what you feel and what you do? It’s all showing what’s really going on. And that’s okay. Because when you step out there, you’re on your own. Nobody’s gonna understand exactly what you need to pull from this to improve, to remember.
Practical Tools for Any Challenge
So what does this look like in daily life? It’s simpler than you think. Here are three tools I’ve used for decades — with my own students and with my own children.
- Ask real questions. When your child acts out, don’t jump to punishment. Ask: “What’s going on with you? What’s the reason? How can we improve?” You’re in the thick of it — at least you can get some real answers.
- Express yourself honestly. Say, “I’m willing to improve. I’m willing to take on that burden, willing to put in that effort.” Your child hears that. It models humility and growth.
- Mull it over. Don’t expect instant solutions. Tell your child, “I need to think about this.” Then do it. Come back with a plan. That shows respect and care.
I said to that parent, “We’ve got kids like this — what’s going on with them, what’s the reason, how do we improve? I think we should ask you, ’cause you’re in the thick of it.” That’s not passing the buck. That’s honoring your role.
You’re Already on the Path
If you’re reading this, you’re already asking. You’re already willing. And that’s the whole game. The messy stuff? It’s not a sign you’re failing. It’s a sign you’re in it, learning, growing, showing up. That parent I mentioned? She’s still at it. And so are you.
You can also listen to this short talk at the end of the post. Sometimes hearing it in my voice makes it stick a little better. Either way, keep asking. Keep improving. That’s how simple tools solve any parenting challenge.
📺 Watch the full talk on YouTube: https://youtu.be/26HsmAoBQ44