I remember a parent telling me once: “You’ve got to treat the little stuff like it’s a big deal.” She meant things like asking the waitress for a napkin or ordering a baozi at the bakery. Those tiny interactions are the building blocks of social courage. But how many of us actually stop to think about the two very different ways we can help our children approach these moments?
After thirty years in kindergarten, I’ve seen parents take two main paths. One is the push-harder approach. The other is the teach-the-skill approach. Let’s look at both, and why one works so much better.
Method One: The “Just Go Do It” Approach
This is the classic. You’re at a restaurant, and you tell your child, “Go ask that nice lady for a napkin.” It sounds simple. And in theory, it’s a great little challenge. You’re giving them a chance to practice speaking up, to use their manners, to feel that rush of accomplishment when they come back with the goods.
But what happens when they don’t go? When they freeze, or hide behind your leg, or say “I can’t”?
Most parents feel frustrated. Maybe a little embarrassed. And the child? They feel like they failed. They wanted to do it — really, they did. But wanting and knowing how are two different things.
The “just go do it” approach assumes the child already has the script. It assumes they know how to start. And that’s where it falls short.
Method Two: The “Show Me How” Approach
Now picture this. Before you ever send your child to the waitress, you practice together. You say, “Watch me.” You wave the waitress over. “Excuse me, could we have an extra napkin, please?” You smile. You say thank you. Then you turn to your child and say, “Your turn next time.”
The next time, you go with them. You stand right behind them. You whisper the first few words: “Excuse me…” And they finish the sentence. Maybe they only get out “napkin, please” — but they did it. That’s a win.
This approach breaks the big scary task into tiny steps. It gives the child a script, a model, and a safety net. It says, “I know you can do this, and I’ll help you until you can do it alone.”
Why the Difference Matters So Much
Here’s the truth I’ve learned from watching hundreds of children: there’s not a single one of them that doesn’t want to be first. They all want to be brave. They all want to succeed. The problem is never desire. It’s not knowing how to start.
When we push without teaching, we set them up for failure. When we model and practice, we set them up for small daily wins. And those wins add up. One day they’re asking for a napkin. The next month they’re raising their hand in class. By the time they’re in kindergarten, they’re making friends and speaking up for themselves.
So which method should you choose? It’s not even close. The “show me how” approach wins every time — because it respects the child’s fear while giving them a real path forward.
Try This Tomorrow
Next time you’re out with your child, pick one tiny social moment. Ordering a bun. Asking for a straw. Paying the cashier. Before you go, practice the words together. Then stand nearby and let them try. If they freeze, no big deal. You can model it once more and try again another day.
The goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress. Every small attempt is a win. And over time, those wins build real social courage.
You can also listen to this short talk at the end of the post. Sometimes hearing it in my own voice makes all the difference.
📺 Watch the full talk on YouTube: https://youtu.be/fXdP9-KDJ1w